Even in Darkness, There is Light
The strength of the human spirit.
This project was inspired by my own struggles with anxiety, and I wanted to see how other individuals have dealt with their own inner darkness. I gave 20 individuals the same prompt: “Tell me about a time in your life where your internal light overcame the darkness around you”. Based on their answers that were voice recorded, I created a light painting inspired by their story. The main portion of each image is the darkness, but the focus and power comes from the light, color and shape of the central painting. The goal of this project is to give everyone who sees it a bit of light they can use to triumph over their own inner darkness.
This project was featured in a solo exhibition at Praxis Gallery in Minneapolis, MN in the fall of 2020.
"Upon getting to college, I was incredibly nervous about meeting new people. I had grown very close and comfortable with my friends in high school. But coming to college entailed a whole new process of meeting people and finding friends amongst them. This made me anxious because I hadn’t had to make first impressions in a long, long time. I had a wide range of questions and doubts. What if everyone thought I was weird? What if I didn’t like any of the people I met? This doubt paralyzed me in a way, I isolated myself and stuck to my past friends. This only led to a cycle of homesickness and guilt at not making new friends. However, I eventually came to a realization that I had only met these people in the past by reaching out and being vulnerable, so I had to do the same again if I wanted to make these new connections. What’s more, I was in a new place with thousands of potential friends. In this new place there were people from all walks of life, which meant I could find many people with similar personalities and interests as me. And I did find these people, in time I made friends and found myself in as strong a group as I’d had in the past. Through this period of doubt and anxiety, I had come out with a better knowledge of myself and a supportive group of friends, because even in darkness, there is light" - Anonymous #1
"When I was a senior in high school I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Around that time, I also started to be harassed and cyber bullied at school by people who I previously believed to be my close friends. Not only was I terrified to go to school every day, but I was suicidal and wanted to end my life. Thankfully, a few of my friends and teachers realized how much I was struggling and really came together to support me and help me finish my senior year. I am still friends with these people today, and I’m truly thankful. I also have an amazing family who supported me and make sure I got all the help I needed. Fast forward to college, and I was still really struggling with my mental health. Being away from my support group of family and friends back home was terrifying, but I met some really great people who were not only kind, but were empathetic. By graduation, I had found friends who I know will be there for me through thick and thin. I still have days where the darkness seems overwhelming, but I know that I have the best support I could ask for and I no longer wish to end my life. Everyday I try to spend a moment to reflect on how grateful I am to have found people who brought me through my darkest times, and am forever reminded that even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #2
"I’m an indecisive person. The atmosphere of today’s society has escalated this for me – there is a constant barrage of choices: things I could do, places I could be, knowledge I could gain, constantly thrown at me through social media. This hit me the hardest the summer of 2017, when I was set to graduate in the fall and would subsequently have to decide what to do with my life afterwards. At the time having no concept of what I wanted that to look like, I became terrified of having to choose. That fear paralyzed me and I melted with the summer heat into a stagnant puddle of myself. I’d lay on the couch thinking I could figure my life out there, searching the depths of my own brain – only to find they had gone shallow. Then, as I was facing my favorite window, the afternoon sun streaming in was so full of hope it made me feel the purest form of content. I saw that even in this overwhelming plethora of potential, even in my times of paralysis, and quite literally that – even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #4
"There have been dark moments in my life where I wasnt sure if I needed to be surrounded by people, or if I wanted to be alone. Any friend I've ever had has either broken contact with me, or more commonly I've stopped contacting them. This includes family. I always want to continue my friendships, but for some reason something deep in my subconscious pushes me back down into my solitude. My constant struggle is trying to accept the fact that I want other people in my life and there isn't anything wrong with wanting happiness. There are still some friends left in my life that I need to fight for, but in my lowest moments I need to rely on them as well. Going on struggling through my own inability to keep relationships, I have to understand that there are still people there for me. There still are friends and family that will always reach out a hand into the darkness to pull me up, because even in darkness there is light." - Anonymous #3
"Everyone has dark parts in their lives. Mine just seemed a little darker. The dark parts in my life surrounded me until that was all I could see. I became hopeless and a shell of my former self. Eventually I saw only one option, to take my own life. I remember being strapped down in the ambulance, lost in a fog of emotions and thinking there had to be a reason I wasn’t gone. Everything after that was a blur. As months went by, I lost in those same emotions until things started to come to light. I started to find the pieces of who I was. And I started to realize I got to decide what pieces to pick up. I got to change who I was and decide what I would do with my second chance, to decide why I was still here. I made the decision to be a better person, to put happiness and light into the world. I saw the darkest darkness anyone can see, and discovered that even in darkness there is light." - Anonymous #5
"In March of 2017, my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer... and after a long and hard fought battle, she passed away on May 18, 2019. To say it was a punch in the gut is an absolute understatement. I didn’t know how to feel, how to act, or what to do next. But what I did know, is that my dad and younger sister were going through the same thing and at least we had each other. At her service, I mostly kept my composure and tried to allow myself to grieve, but have felt at a standstill ever since. I have had moments where it felt like nothing has changed, and moments where I didn’t know how I could go on without her, but I've pushed myself on. I know I’m still not processing everything the right way, but I’m going through it in the best way I know how. And knowing that my mom is watching over me in everything that I do helps me remember that, even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #6
"I have been struggling with anxiety since high school, yet few know the true extent of how it affects me. Anxiety for me is more than just having panic attacks, although those happen sometimes too. Anxiety for me is my mind always going a million miles an hour at all times of the day, constantly analyzing and thinking and rethinking situations and ideas. It’s flying through complex tasks just to get them out of my head or not being able to accomplish the simplest task because I can’t focus on it long enough to take care of it. It’s not being able to speak a full sentence correctly because my mind is already two sentences ahead of my mouth. It’s listening to fast-paced or complex music just to have something external match what’s going on inside my head. It’s questioning everything I have done, am doing, or will do, all at the same time. Anxiety for me is constant, and can be exhausting. However, by realizing and accepting my struggles, I have been able to use my anxiety and channel that constant energy into things I’m passionate about - my work, my hobbies, my relationships with others. And by channeling that energy into positive and productive things, I have been able to achieve things I never thought possible. And that alone proves to me that even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #7
"In high school, my foundation was cracking trying to handle bullying, mistreatment, and a few things I’d rather not mention. From the outside, I painted a picture of happiness, but on the inside my soul was crying. I felt like a burden, worthless and misunderstood. I spiraled downward into depression and battled with an eating disorder. A necklace I wore nearly every day said “Love This Life” on one side, and “Live Out Loud” on the other. I always wore it with “Love This Life” facing outward, but about half way through high school I flipped it over. The summer before college, I was working at a daycare. Four-year-old Delaney noticed my necklace and read both sides out loud, flipping it back and forth multiple times. I was caught off guard when she asked, “Do you love your life?” I thought about the good: my loving family and friends, my work ethic and creativity, my servant heart and values, and I realized I had much to be grateful for. I teared up and told Delaney that I did love my life. I chose to believe it and actively focused on the good, slowly letting the bad fade until I reached a point of genuinely loving myself a few years later. Light was sparked in the shadows of my heart. Even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #8
"I’m going to share the story of when my life took a 180 in the span of two years. After college I thought my life couldn’t be more perfect. I had a dream job, living in an exciting city with someone I loved, and near family. Perfect right? It wasn’t until later on in my life that I realized these things were only ideas I thought I wanted. Looking back, nothing really was perfect at that time. I suddenly got laid off and the relationship quickly to a turn for the worst. Within a year I was so far from where I wanted to be. I was lost and had little to no direction of where my life was going. It was during this time that I made a decision again. Change my life, or stay the same. It was then that I applied to a job I never even thought was possible to get. It was a hope I thought just maybe could work. And then it did. A year later I found myself living in a new exciting city, living with my best friend, near family, and at the dream job. The experience taught me that you should never take what you have for granted, but to also see things for what they are. To not bend over backwards just to make something work that isn’t making you happy. It also taught me that even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #10
"When I was a junior in highschool, I was very close to committing suicide. I spent months trying to get back to the happy person I was but everything around me was difficult to deal with. School was not going well, my normal outlets for stress like hockey was causing more stress instead. It all came to a head when I broke down and cried for hours alone thinking of ending it. I was saved by a dear friend who showed up and didn’t leave my side. I was saved by my art teacher who showed and hugged me for what felt like forever. I would not be here without the kindness and help from others. Even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #9
"Football has always been near and dear to my heart. I am not the most gifted athlete and was never the star of the team. High school was always a struggle because everyone else kept growing, getting bigger and faster. My playing time decreased as a result. To make it worse the players taking my spot didn’t want it nearly as bad as I did. It killed me to have to sit on that sideline and watch my brothers go to battle without me. I started to question if this was still for me or if I should hang up the helmet. I couldn’t, I have too much love for the game. So I lived in the weight room and studied all of the film I could get my hands on. If they didn’t give me the starting job I would have to win every play on the scout team until they couldn’t ignore it. Halfway through the season the coaches gave me my shot, and I received my opportunity and held down that starting role. What I am more proud of is not the spotlight I got as a player, but as a competitor. Always push through because even in darkness there is light." - Anonymous #11
"When I was 1, my family story was rewritten for us. My dad was diagnosed with heart disease at the age of 44. The doctors explained that yes part of it was his lifestyle, but mostly it was hereditary. With 3 kids ages 7 and under, he went onto the operating table with a double bypass surgery. My Mom prayed that she wouldn’t be raising these kids alone. My siblings said they knew enough to be very scared of the possible outcomes. The operation was successful and they’ve been managing his disease since. Time has lead to other surgeries and stents put in. Even stents on top of old, clogged stents. He’s had heart rate monitors, stress tests, and most times, a clean bill of health. There have been good days and some very scary days. Yes this has changed our families path and we do not live the “typical life” but it makes us realize what a blessing life is. My family has learned to see the good in any situation. We’ve stayed strong together and feed off of each other's positivity, because....even in darkness, there is light.” - Anonymous #12
"When I was in college, I had several experiences where men out in public and at house parties verbally and physically harassed me. I became incredibly anxious. I felt myself spiraling out of control. I did not understand what was wrong with me and felt it must be my fault that degrading things kept happening to me. I found myself becoming nervous whenever I walked around in public. I eventually became scared of leaving my house at night and I couldn’t sleep. I went to counseling and began to share what had happened to me over the past few years. I quickly realized that hearing myself process my experience out loud was what truly began my healing. I learned my value and that what I had been through wasn’t my fault. One night I made the decision to go to the grocery store on my own and I wasn’t overcome with anxiety. I was beaming with pride when I got home. I started to share my stories with others, which helped a friend share similar ones of her own. Today I believe that I am my best self. I care about sharing what I went through in hopes of empowering others. Finding my inner strength shaped who I am and I am thankful for the chance to find it deep inside of me. Even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #13
"I have struggled with social anxiety my entire life - manifesting and disguising itself in different ways. Stressing about party’s days in advance. Avoiding confrontation at all costs and at its peak my social anxiety means being so stuck in my head I can’t even form a sentence. College was the time in my life when I struggled the most with my anxiety. I was living with friends from high school and kept feeling frustrated with one roommate in particular. She thrived on confrontation; And I was debilitated by it. Our arguments typically drove me to tears and needing to walk out of the room since my anxiety wouldn’t allow me to formulate my thoughts into words. Being in that toxic living situation was one of the most challenging things I’ve dealt with. But it also forced me to decide to put my mental health first. I knew that friendship and living situation was draining me and my happiness, so I got out. Because of that, today I don’t allow myself to stay in friendships or situations where I don’t feel supported. That choice has led me to a place of mental stability, increased overall happiness, amazing support system and it taught me that even in darkness there is light." - Anonymous #14
"Being a 7-year-old girl who is half Mexican half white, moving to a small town in Wisconsin from a bigger city in Minnesota was a huge change. I was very talkative and outgoing. I had lots of friends and was easily able to speak my mind. It was a little nerve racking moving to a new town, but I was also very excited and curious about what the future would hold and what friends I would make. It was the first day of 2nd grade and I was eager to meet my new classmates. The teacher told everyone that we are going to go around and introduce ourselves and to say one unique thing about yourself. By the time it got to me I said my name and said that I’m a twin, all I remember was another student in the class interrupting and asking, “What are you?” Confused by the question I was quiet. They asked if I was black or Chinese. I was confused as to why someone should ask me that and word it in such a weird way. Throughout the school year it was a little difficult making friends. I would try to talk to other students, but they would always bring up my race and ask questions that made me uncomfortable, which looking back they are only kids, they don’t know any better. But from 2nd grade all the way to senior year of high school I was bullied for being different. I would constantly be called a monkey, a dirty Mexican and other horrible things. All because they are from a small town and they have never seen many people who are different from them. Adults we’re not much better either. I remember my tech ed teacher saying Mexicans are a bunch of rapists and druggies, and the whole class laughed. I felt embarrassed. Have they ever met Mexican or a Mexican family? My father, my uncles and aunts worked so hard to have a better life and give me a good life as well. Never in my life have I met a Mexican who committed a crime and did drugs. But this was the stereotype in this small town. Throughout middle school and high school I felt ashamed of who I was. I wanted to be completely white. I wanted to be like everyone else. I had bad anxiety and depression. I felt alone in a sense even though I had my family. I was in such a dark time throughout school. Whenever I was down, I would draw or paint. It would help me express my feelings whenever I as angry or sad. Art was my only escape. I remember going on field trips to Minneapolis to the MIA and meeting such unique people and artist that were somewhat similar to me. I met a Latina artist who had a passion for art and traveling. She helped me realize that there is so much more to life than that small town. It gave me hope. I was excited to find myself. And to move on from that small town. Now that I am out of that small town and in a big city with many races, genders and religions I feel free. I can be myself again and speak my mind and not be afraid. I love who I am and would never want to change a thing about me. I feel like I can see clearly now. I am thankful for the pain I went through because it made me stronger." - Anonymous #15
"I am drowning, flooded. Frozen in time, but melting. I can't breathe. When I do, smoke fills my lungs. I am numb, I am numb. How could you hurt me? We are one, we are one. Stop choking me, We are done, we are done. I will change now, self-regulating. I must find balance, synergies. I am earth, earth is me. I am complex, but I must maintain. Cyclical, day and night. It's becoming easier to sustain, Even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #16
"The spring semester of my sophomore year was a tough time in my life. My classes were hard and I had just gone through my first break up. It was just kind of a dark time, thinking I wasn’t good enough. However, over time I realized that the only thing wrong with me was not being true to myself. I learned a lot about myself during this time and it got me ready to meet my future wife. In the end it taught me that even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #17
"For as long as I can remember, I’ve been scared of interacting with people. I never want to come across as weird or embarrass myself. I’m terrified of rejection. Once I went to college, it got worse. I had to meet so many new people. My fear of rejection got really intense. Then something happened to me that made my world stop. My worst fear was realized. I fell completely in love with someone, but he didn’t feel the same way. It was made worse because he decided that he didn’t need to tell me that he was no longer interested, and he started dating someone else. I completely lost control. I almost didn’t graduate because I was constantly having episodes. I think most people thought that I was being over dramatic or that I had gone insane, but I couldn’t control my reaction. When I was hit with an episode I would collapse to the floor or the ground wherever I was and cry. I really wanted to kill myself. At some point I was diagnosed with PTSD. It took me years of therapy and hard work for me to say that I don’t deserve to feel that way. I deserve to be happy. I still have episodes every once in a while, but I know that I can overcome it because I’ve done it before. I can see that even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #18
"I always pushed away anyone close to me because I didn’t want to show my failures and weaknesses. This was the hardest in the spring and summer of 2018, when I was set to graduate college. My family and friends came to celebrate with me for the weekend and it was amazing. Except it wasn’t totally true. For months I had been lying to everyone and telling them I was going to graduate, but I had failed classes and it pushed me back. I was embarrassed it was taking me so much longer than all of my friends and family, so I hid it. Over the summer immediately following, I tried to maintain the lie. I went to classes, but made and kept plans with others so they wouldn’t find anything out. This led to conflicting plans, letting people down, not studying, and failing again. The worst part was that I was alone. After multiple emotional breakdowns, I started to let others in. I told the people closest to me that I hadn’t graduated. My parents were disappointed, but eventually accepted the situation. My siblings and friends all provided support. I found that in shutting others out, I was just hurting myself and everyone close to me. Their support pushed me to change, which led to finally graduating, getting a job I love and starting a new chapter. Keeping others out put me in a deep hole, but support from the people I love kept pushing me to accomplish my goals. I realized that even in darkness, there is light." - Anonymous #19
"A few years back I had my first real struggle with depression. It was at the end of a transitional period in my life, when I had made a switch from being a competitive athlete to being a professional performer. This transition lead to the realization that my lifelong goal of being an Olympic athlete, would never come to fruition. I found myself struggling to even get out of bed in the morning. I had spent 20 years of my life dreaming of being in the Olympics. You know, blood, sweat, tears… The sport that had brought me so much joy, was now a source of anxiety and resentment. I was scared. I have never been good at change. But then, something amazing happened. As I stepped back out onto the stage to perform for thousands of children, I realized that everything would be alright. I realized that although my competitive career was over, I had an even more important job to do. Perform. To bring joy to these kids’ lives and to make some of their dreams come true. To help them believe in their own dreams. To help those kids, and hopefully even their parents, escape from the real world, even if it was only for a couple of hours. To add a spark of light into their lives. Because even in darkness there is light." - Anonymous #20